so apparently you have time to party but you don't have time to be a part of my life.
so much for that.


...it's amazing what can be said with just a few words. so direct. i love it.

i am beyond the point of being hurt.
i am beyond the point of crying.
i am beyond the point of screaming.
i don't think any of you will understand the pain you have caused me in last 2 months.

i am.
afraid of food.
afraid of losing.
afraid of relationships.
afraid of truth.
afraid of reality.
afraid of surrendering.
afraid of myself.

all i wanted was for someone to come and find me.

i thrive off negative attention...THRIVE.

an inch gone every two weeks?
check yes.

i need to lose some weight and get in shape.
a swin suit looks horrible on me.
i feel gross.
eh. :(

everyone is so distant from me now a days.
or i'm distant from them. either one, really.

i don't like it this way though. it kinda makes me sad. and i am lonely too. i don't know if it's just me that is overreacting and what not, but i have definaty lost a great deal of the strong relationships i once had. you know those relationships you think are different. the relationships you think could never break. the relationships that are loving and caring. the relationships you think..."believe" will never end.

.....and then....they do. or they're close to it.

relationships have always been this way for me. never could keep anyone by my side. even now, they're still this way. but, they hurt more now than they ever did. it's the strong relationships. the ones where i opened up. the ones where i had no walls. the ones where i was vulnerabe. the ones where i trusted. it's those that hurt the worst. its those that leave me feeling like crap. they saw all of me....i let them see all of me, and before i know it, they're gone. there's no more best friend. there's no more "i trust you" theres no more love. theres no more shoulder to lean on. there is more lonliness. there is an even harder heart than there was before.

you know on Grey's Anatomy Meredith has Christina and Christin has Meredith. they're each others person.
i am someone that needs a person. i am someone that longs for that shoulder to lean on. that best friend. that safe feeling.
i've seen glimpses of it and at one point i thought i may have had someone like that...until we faded...more like i faded. it just wasnt the same. and she was somewhat stripped out of my life faster than i had ever seen anyone go, and she was supposed to be someone who was never going to leave.

im just tired of people coming and going. hurting me each time. and taking a piece of me each time.
this might sound selfish of me and this might be cliche or what not, but i just need to hear someone say that they love me. they genuinly do. they need me. or they trust me. they wouldn't know what they would do without me. that theyre thankful for me. i may not realize that i do hear those words if i do, but honestly i never feel like i hear them. i always feel like i am the one saying them.








i hate to question the relationship i have with the one person who's done so much for me...TOO much for me. i hate to question her love. i hate to question my trust in her. ...but am i slowly losing you? i trust you...but i also trusted my best friend. she said she never go. she did.
you said you would never go....but, is this for real? its obviously not a fantasy...but you're almost "too good to be true." if you will.

i hate to say this but sometimes i feel like i care too much for you. i wish i were a blessing. i wish i were important to you. i wish i could be someone who could be there for you. who could change your life. but i am not and i wont be. and i don't mean those things in a selfish way because i know you love me and that i matter to you. what i mean is that i just wish i could do something back. i wish i could make a difference just like you have.

i want to make a difference in someone's life. anyone's. but i fear i never will.

whew. what a week of nothing. basically i had no school. haha funny story: so i was in my first period class today. my LEAST favorite teacher. Coach Meger. my LEAST favorite class. science. from the beginning of that class i was just annoying the crap out of my teacher. it was so funny. i just kept yelling random crap. soon after we were talking about the swine flu, i yelled "i have the swine flu." REALLLLY LOUD and REALLLY HIGH PITCHED and he got so pissed off. he sent me out in the hallway and i answered, "gladly." hahaha. it was so funny. for the next 52 minutes of that class, i went to my friends class and chilled with her. so basically he just gave me a free period. what a dumb ass. oh how i hate Coach Meger.

annnnnnnnnyways.

so i might as well admit. i'm having a rough time right now. im in between who i am and who i want to be. and ive been this way for a long time, always choosing to stay inside my shell. to be comfortable in what i knew even if it meant doing the wrong thing. well that has come back around. i am facing something now that i can not even believe right now. i hurt someone i love so much and i KNEW what was i doing and i KNEW it would break her. you just wouldn't believe what it was. i cant even belive what i did. and obviously i am not going to tell the whole world. on the otherhand, i have my other best friend who hurt me. i have been in an IMMENSE amount of pain that i don't think she will ever comprehend. i am not even sure if she knows how bad she hurt me. i am losing so many relationships right now. i am beyond the point of angry. i am beyond the point of sad. countless tears i have cried.
i know and i believe that everything happens for a reason so i hope there is a bigger meaning in all of this. all i can do now is let God control what i want so bad to control. it is NOT as easy as it sounds, but ill get there. i know i've gotten somewhere in this journey between then and now. and as Amber would say, that's steps in the right direction. that's making progress. or something like that. (: (( im pretty freaking blessed by that kiddo!))

there is so much that i am feeling. going through. getting through. and frankly, i am just in a very weird, very painful place. but a good place. cause that means change is coming. and im surprised to say this myself because i HATE change...but this change i like.

for those of who you ACTUALLY know me. who ACTUALLY deal with me. who ACUTALLY care. all i ask for you is love me and never leave me unless you have to. i've lost too many people and i cannot bear to lose one of you. it would absolutely break me. there will be a point in time for some of you who will fade out of my life because that is part of God's plan. but all i ask is that while you're here, if you'll just love me. because i need that. i need that feeling. the feeling i never felt before until i realized it had always been there. the feeling i love to feel. the feeling that gets me through my darkest hour. so i am asking, love mm and my trashy, dirty, unworthy, unlovable self.

God, please show me the good in you taking my best friend away.
please show me it's going to okay.
please give me the strength to endure my pain.
please give me the write words to say...your words.
please give me everything i need to make this all turn out the way you planned it from the beginning.
please.

God, please don't let her fall too hard.
please don't have her hurt too much.
please.


just. please.

i never thought you'd be the one to hurt me.
i never would have guessed.
but.
i still love you.
even if you dont want me around.
even if you dont love me.
even though you know it takes a lot for more to cry. and i have been crying for two days straight. and you don't give a damn.
i still love you.

do you have anybody like me?
because, i don't have anyone like you.

my worst enemy is myself.
my memory of all things bad.
my strong belief that when something goes bad, its my fault. that i wasn't good enough. that i did something wrong. (insert whatever you can think of)
in some way, shape or form.

i destroy myself.

BUT 

im getting better at it. less and less things break me down. shake me up. rip me apart.
except for relationships.
those hurt.
those i can't seem to get in my head that they come and go.
that some are not meant to be.
that people will hurt you. intentionally. AND unintentionally.
that people love you. even when you THINK they don't.
people have hurt me.
people are hurting me. ((hence why i've been crying))
people will hurt me.

but God wont. He will never fail me. not once. this i KNOW is true. i just need to start believing it.
relying on it. let's see how long this one will take to get into my heart.
obviously a lot longer than the rest because this by far is the hardest thing for me to let go of.
because for me, it's easier to believe that something is wrong with me. that im not good enough.
rather than, i am perfect the way i am. and i was created just how i am supposed to be.
but im pretty sure most people feel this way too.
i'm gonna get there. even if it's against all odds.
watch me fly.

my best friend has disappeared.
my best friend doesn't need me.
my best friend doesn't want me.
my best friend is ignoring me.
my best friend doesn't trust me.
my best friend doesn't want my help.
my best friend doesn't want me to be there for.
my best friend is pushing me away.
my best friend doesn't love me.
my best friend doesn't really care about me.
my best friend thinks she can do it alone.
is my best friend really my best friend?
i have cried more over madeleine than i did over my boyfriend of six months.
im crying and i can't stop.

why do all my relationships turn out ruined?
and i tried this time. honest.

and, Madeleine, no matter how much you don't want me here, im still gonna be here no matter how much it hurts myself or you.

heyyyyyyyyy. well guess who's been out of school for 3 days going on 4. ...well me, obviously. i have like 23 absences now, and you can only have 18. i am freaking out. i really really hope they don't absences fail me. because that would SUCK.
..so i went to the doctor and they told me i had strep. ...wrong. i actually have pneumonia. how you get that confused with strep, well, i have no idea. they gave me LOTS of medicine. it makes me feel loopy but i like it. haha. sleeping is the worst though...i like have barely slept. and im really tired and really irritable, so i am definatly not the best person to be around right now. but im usually that way anyways. ;)

so, im sitting on the couch with my mom and we're watching America's Funniest Home Videos. i have NEVER heard her laugh like she is laughing. it's quite cute to be honest. she's is just sitting next to me, and laughing her butt off. (: as for me, im laughing, but my laugh sounds more like im dying. imagine weezing mixed with laughter. yep that's what i sound like. awesome. hehe i really like this show.

ok anyways. Sunday, April 19, 2009. i got baptized. it was amazing. i knew that it was time to make that decision and i know that God had put it on my heart. i spoke everything from the heart and it could not have been better. it was wonderous. even one of my counselors, stephanie came and was there for me! i was SO happy she was there, but i wished more than anything Amber could have been there. i am definatly closest to her out of everyone i know. but, i am very happy that she is traveling Europe. she definatly deserved that trip. If she could have come she would have been the one to baptize me, but i am still so happy that Rocky did. (: i feel like since i made this huge step in my faith, i need to make more of an effort in my relationship with Him. and living the way he would want me to, and im striving to appreciate what i have, and who i am. and most importantly to me, im learning to love myself. ...we'll soon see where this road is going to take me. thanks to the ones who have been with me THROUGH. IT. ALL. i love you guys.

we evolve we change,
our names, our love
our schools, our friends,
it all changes but our hearts? NEVER
mine, it will always be yours
never set me free


dont choke on the words which have already been said
revoke on what is sealed with a pinky
deceive the minds of the innocent
because it will boomerang
sending shreds of whatever is left of you
into tears


"Its not just you, your not alone
We know..
The thought process never stops
Its a broken record stuck in one spot
We think
"No one gets it"
"I am alone"
"This inst worth it"
Out of the 6 billion people in our world 6 billion will be hurt
There heart will brake,
Will morn and ache
And as humans we try to make the pain go away
But find comfort in knowing, we understand
We do
As human beings, imperfect in our many ways
We forget
We forget who will always be there.
Threw the fear of heart ache
We gain burdens
Worry, spite, abandonment, loneliness
But as smart as we humans think we are,
We never remember.
We never remember that even though that could is there
It will go away, it doesn't stay
But the one thing that will,
God
He is forever and always, here."

i don't know, i just miss your voice, and you being some what close, and your encouragment, just everything.
i mean i miss you to the point where you're in my subconscience.
like you've been in my dreams since you left.
and i at least see one yellow xterra a day. because i just think about it and you.
i don't know if that makes me obsessive or crazy or anything.
the point is, i miss you. so much.
so know that i am always thinking about you, hoping your alright and having a blast.
i love you, and i can't wait to hug you.

my scars tell a story where love was the hero.

i'm gonna go ahead and throw this out here, you probably can't handle me...few people can. i'll give you props for trying, but if you end up bailing on me don't think i wont go out without a fight. i am sick of being walked all over.

i am too much work or effort. according to you.

i am not worth enough to commit any time to. according to you.

i am walked all over. the reality.

i am hurt and my feelings never matter to you. the reality.

the reality is that really, you don't understand. at all. even if you say you do.
and i don't really matter to you. at all.
i mean surely, if i did we would not be having this problem...or should i say problem(S). i guess you underestimated me. i don't and won't take this from you. you think that no one can hurt me, but really you always do. actually you have yet to fail in hurting me. i don't think it is at all fair that you give excuse after excuse why you can't be there for me and then tell me that you love me no matter what. i mean after a while do you really think i am going to believe after all you do is hurt me then try to fix it with an "i love you". do you really think that at the end of everything, you will be one of the people i want around. honestly, no. because im not going to have you take advantage of me and walk all over me all the time. i know you wouldn't want me to do that to you. so, think about it this way, what if i walked all over you? what if i bailed on you every. single. time.? what if i said i was too busy for you? what if i said that really this isn't working out at all? what if i said to you that i just can't do it and its not my place? what if i said that ill always be here when the reality is i am not? what if is i said that its nothing personal i just can't do it? (of course you think its personal, why else would someone walk away or give up? c'mon!) put yourself in shoes. then tell me you understand. but honestly you never will be in my shoes, so i guess you never will understand.

you do not make the effort at all to be a part of my life. you can't have one sided relationships. i try and make the effort, i try and make things work. I AM TRYING. you aren't. all in all, if you're not going to make the effort honey, i wont either. i have lost so many people, and so many people have left me, so another person wont break me. it wont shatter me. it'll just make my heart that much harder. so sleep on that. do i really matter to you? do you really love me? am i really worth your time? do you even want to make time for me? because right now, if you answered those questions with anything but a "no" you would be a liar.
do you want to be in my life or not? do you want to have a relationship with me? its time for you to start making some effort.

you took for granted all the times i never let you down.

if you quit on me you hurt me. if you try you hurt me. now it's your choice, are you a quitter or are you at least going to try?

i can live without you, just like i live without everyone else who i never mattered to.

ar                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     as








oh, and thanks for calling..oh wait you didn't.